18 Months

Last Monday, Will would have been 18 months old. A year and a half. It feels like it’s been a lifetime without him already. Time creeps by day by day and when you look up, we have been living. Life continues to go on. I’m not sure how. My brain still doesn’t understand everything. My heart certainly is still broken. But, my goodness, the grace of God continues to push us on.

Before Will was even born, there was no way I could have ever thought that I would be able to live if something happened to him. In losing Will, I have found out that something happened to me. I can’t do anything to change what God has planned for us. I’m not in control. But, I can get through anything, because He is gonna carry me.

Life is different now. We can smile about Will. We all talk about how he would have loved everyone and everyone would have loved him. I laugh about him and I cry about him. Even though he doesn’t live with us on this earth doesn’t mean he isn’t thought about and placed into what would have been.

On Saturday mornings Daddy and I like to laugh about how he would have been up at the crack of dawn ready to ride and get a biscuit. Every time I see Pippy walk down the stairs at the office, I wonder if Will would have been stomping down the stairs with him and greeting the clients. Mimsy likes to tell me that he would have just lived with her because he would have loved her the most. Whenever I see BB with Benji, I see you two playing and I know you would have been smitten with her. Whenever I see how your Lili passes Benji off with a look like she won’t get him back, I know that’s how I would have passed you off. And your Uncle Chant would taught you the smartest things to say and I probably would have already washed your mouth out with soap.

And whenever Benji smiles, I know it’s because you taught us how to love even more and we are loving him even more because of you. I know you two would have been beat friends.

Will, basically our world still revolves around you. I wish that you were. But because you’re not, I have learned to love with all that I have in me. I have learned that life will go on when I think it can’t. I’ve learned that a little boy can leave the biggest hole in my world. And I’ve learned that I love you more than I could ever imagine. My Will, I miss you with every breath I take and I can’t wait to hold and kiss you again forever.

All my love,

Mama

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