Sleep used to be my BFF. We were so close. I would be able to fall asleep at the drop of a hat. And I could have probably slept through an earthquake. Not anymore.
Ever since Will was born, around 2:30 or 3:00 every morning is my new time to battle with the devil. He comes to steal, kill, and destroy. He steals from me every night. No medicine can keep me asleep. It’s a spiritual battle.
I wake up and it’s a repeat of the night before. I have had a nightmare. They are usually about Will. Then I am woken up because I’m upset. Most of the time it wakes Coy up. He usually pays me like a child. Sometimes that can calm me down. And most often, like right now, my mind is racing. I go through every moment leading up to Will’s birth and every moment after wondering what happened. And I get myself more upset.
I wish it was Will’s cry keeping me up at night. I wish he was calling out for us in the middle of the night because he was hungry or just because he missed me. I would give everything to hold him again for 5 more minutes. There wasn’t enough time for me and him. I wanted the rest of my life.
And then I pray. I ask God to get the devil out. I thank Him for the time we DID have with Will. I thank Him for eternity. I thank Him for salvation. I thank Him for Heaven. I thank Him for Will. I ask him to continue to heal us. Not just me and Coy, but everyone. And He calms my heart and gives my soul rest.
My soul has rest. My mind not so much. So sleep, I’m waiting on us to get back together, because I miss you.