What I miss

I miss Will. That’s the Gods honest truth. But that statement goes so much deeper than that. Those words don’t do my heart justice. But that’s the fact. I miss Will. I have a piece of me that I will never hold on this earth again. My heart is shattered into bits and pieces all over the floor and I will never be the same. And I miss my sweet Will.

There are so many other things I miss. Things I knew. And things I had imagined. People and events. Everyone misses Will.

The cashier at Target misses Will, and she doesn’t even know it. I know he would have been my shopping buddy. He would have rode shotgun in that red plastic buggy and been friends with everyone we passed. But his favorite person would have been the cashier. Because Will would have been their best customer. He would have had a smile every time and probably a deep belly laugh. I imagine his voice as deep and sweet all in one.

The clients who pass in and out of our office everyday miss Will. Most of them knew of Will and some still ask about him. They listen to our story and we are connected. They don’t even know what they are missing. He would have been the best tax and payroll boy ever.

The buttons on the keyboards and calculators don’t even know what they’re missing. I know he would have been like me and loved a button. He would have played those so hard.

Those are such simple things we as a family are missing.

I miss the excitement in your daddy’s eyes, Will. I miss what should have been. I miss the nights I was going to cook dinner and listen to you and daddy. I miss the Saturday mornings you two were going to go get breakfast. I miss everything about you and your daddy. He loves you with every fiber of his being.

I miss the Friday afternoons you were going to spend with your Pippy. The way he would have been your favorite person. I miss the fact that you would have been in his office all day or in his lap in the conference room. I miss the way he was going to hold you through the church service.

I miss that you never got to spend the night with your Mimsy. She was going to spoil you rotten. You are the apple of her eye. You and Mimsy probably would have never worked. You would have been going to eat and shop everyday and you would have preferred her to anyone. I miss the way I was going to watch her love you.

I miss the way your Aunt Abby would have stolen your heart. I don’t know if there is anyone I would rather you be with. She would have taught you to be so funny and bad. I miss that I never got to see you two and her taking you places.

I miss the fact that you never got to spend the night at Aunt Alli’s and Uncle Chance’s. I know they would have told you all about Baby B and I know you would have been ready for that. I miss that you don’t get to laugh with them. I miss that you don’t get to laugh at them.

Mostly, your mama misses you. I miss the way you felt. I miss your sweet hand gripping my finger that time. I miss the tiny nose of yours on my lips. I miss your cheeks on mine. I miss the kisses. I miss it all. I miss the weight of you in my arms. I miss YOU. And I don’t know that I’ll ever be the same.