Reality

For the last few days, life has been shifting back to normal after the holiday season. Everyone is back at work, Abby will go back to school next week, and the world keeps on turning. I’ve been sad to see this time come to an end. The past few weeks were the hardest Christmas season I’ve ever experienced, but it was also good. We had time with family, time with each other, and time laying in the bed sick as dogs. So I’ve been singing (mostly in my head) that late 80’s song, “Back to life, back to reality…”

And then reality slapped me in the face Thursday night while I was shopping. Not just one time, but twice! I went to Michael’s to look for some pretty flowers to make a new arrangement for Will’s grave for his 11 month birthday. I found the flowers and couldn’t find the cone that you need to put in the urn, so I asked a worker. She showed me and walked away. And it hit me, THIS is REALITY. Life will never be the same again. So I stood in the aisle and wept. Loudly. I will always be making flowers or something for Will’s grave. And I dried my tears the best I could and went to pay.

So I decided to walk next door to Marshall’s and see what they had for me to buy to try to fill the void. Which, by the way, hasn’t worked yet. So I walked the store and found a few things. Got in line to pay and stood behind a family. This little girl, probably 2, kept smiling at me. So I finally smiled. They went to check out, I went to the next available and we ending up leaving around the same time. They were walking out the door and she turned around and waved at me, smiled again, and said bye bye. I wept again between the sets of automatic doors in the foyer of Marshall’s. Reality slapped me and said that I’ll never see Will wave or tell people bye bye or smile at a stranger. It takes my breath away the grief gets so bad sometimes.

And to top everything off, I didn’t sleep at all Thursday night. And it was rainy and gloomy all day Friday. Well, until God needed to show off. After work we went shopping and the sky opened up when we were leaving a store. Like something you can’t imagine. I know that was a promise from God letting me know in the storms, He is there and He will use this pain for good. He will use me. He has used Will. And so, reality hit once again. Will would have been 11 months old today, January 5. We’ve been living without him for almost a year. It’s surreal. It feels like time has stood still as it also flew by.

My sweet Will sits on the other side of the dark and gloomy sky in the beautiful fluffy clouds waiting on us in Heaven. That’s the reality that gets me through.

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