A Big Puzzle

It’s been almost 2 weeks since I’ve written a post. The past two weeks have been so hard. Good, but hard. There have been okay days, good days, and absolutely horrible days. I try every day to remind myself that I’m going to be okay. And everyone else around me will be okay. But most days I wonder if I really am. It feels like life is moving so fast and I can’t keep up. It feels mostly like I’m watching everyone from behind a two way mirror.

It feels like Will was born last week and I’m trying to pick up the pieces of my heart. But instead of my heart laying outside of my chest in a few broken pieces, it is literally shattered into a million puzzle pieces. And out of the million pieces it was broken into, only 999.999 exist and it will be incomplete for the rest of my life.

When I was little, I hated puzzles. I still do. Even more so now. Instead of it coming out of a box and laying it on a table, it’s my actual existence.

Thank God that I don’t have to put this puzzle together, though. He is doing that for me. And for our family. I’ll never be able to fix it all. But through Jesus, that puzzle is just a beautiful picture.

This morning was the Christmas cantata at church. My favorite song was “Born to Save.” The song was about Jesus coming to be born, to die, and to save. He came so that death would never win. And because of that baby that came so many years ago, death isn’t the end. Will only lived for a short time with us. But the time on the earth without him will feel so long, but when we are reunited with him, time won’t matter anymore.

I am so thankful this year for Christmas. I might be missing that time with Will and experiencing Christmas through his eyes, but I’m really celebrating this year. For the true and real reasons. That tiny baby came to save the world. And because of Christmas, Will won.

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