You remember the book by Judy Blume? I never read the whole thing, but the title has always stuck out, “Are you there God, it’s me, Margaret.” Sometimes I feel like Margaret. Right now, I’m feeling like that. It’s 3:11am. I’m wide awake. And deep down, I know exactly where and who He is, but this crazy mind is spinning.
Why couldn’t he save Will? Where was He in the unknown we were going through? Why were other babies who were barely 1 pound at birth able to live but my healthy big boy wasn’t? Why can’t I have everything I want and have it right now?
Why am I even questioning everything? Because Satan is bad and he can get in your head. Satan plays with you. And if you don’t believe that, I’m here to tell you he will come in like a thief in the night. He can toy with emotions and creep up when you least expect him. Watch out, he’s waiting.
But, I know someone who is more real and is more alive than Satan will ever be. And when Satan comes knocking and making me doubt, I am reminded by the Holy Spirit that He is with me and in me and working for my good. He was there with us in the hospital. Will is alive forevermore. Not here on this earth, but he is waiting in Heaven. Other babies born have not fulfilled their purposes like God has fulfilled the purpose for Will’s life. Everything I want isn’t what God has planned for my life. He has bigger plans. And He will work everything for my good, in His time.
This suffering we are going through and the trials we will continue to face are just a part of life’s journey. In the midst of bad things, it’s hard to imagine life getting any better. But there are hills and valleys in life. I know we can’t be in the valley forever and I can’t wait to get to the hilltop again. I sang His praises when I’ve been on the hilltop before. And I am singing His praises in the valley. Despite how bad it hurts sometimes and how many tears fall when I sing a song.
So right now, I feel like God is saying, are you there Arianne? It’s me, God. He is always there for me and He will always be with me.
And because this blog is about Will, here’s another picture of my precious baby boy.
I’m reminded again as I add this picture that God was right there in that room holding me while I was holding my baby. In fact, in this moment, Will had already met Jesus face to face. I know the love I have for Will and how I felt holding him right there. I can’t even imagine a greater love. But I know God loves me even more than I could ever love Will, and that blows my mind.
So thank you, God, for being in that room and for filling that space with a tiny bit of Heaven. When I let Satan creep in and tell me you aren’t there, I just need to remind myself you are. And if I start to forget what You feel like, I can remind myself of the night Will met you. I can’t put into words the way the room felt that night. But I know You were in that room. It felt as if you were physically standing with us.